A shift in Perspective
Changing the way I interact with the world is hard. I’ve lived with a life or death mindset for a long time. There has never been an in-between. When I see other folks smiling and having an adventure I can’t help but to think they’re dumb, “don’t you know it’ll never last”. I’m practically wishing grief on them. Misery loves company. I am grief. The grinch. Since the day my father died all I’ve ever felt was grief, abandonment, low self worth, anger, etc. Most people will say shit like, get over it, you’ll be fine, etc etc. But they’re wrong. They’re ignorant or afraid to feel deeply. I’d bet they wish they could but don’t allow themselves to. You’re robbing yourself to why we are existing. I’ve had to navigate this on my own. I can’t remember anyone reaching out to really help me. No one saw the pain I was in. Or maybe they did and didn’t know how to handle it. I realize now, it takes one to know one. As I travel I can’t help but to see people in despair. Their body language says it all, the tone in their voice echos pain. I want to cry for them and give them all my love so they feel okay. I’m afraid to ask them if they’re okay though, it’s like tearing down the dam they’ve built. The tears you see are just the trickle at the bottom of the dam that holds a massive reservoir of pain. I had to either be there at the source, there when they needed help building back up or I can be downstream of their dam admiring what they’ve done. I think this is why we hold back from helping others. We have to be able to handle the dam breaking and now that is part of our responsibility. They need to ask for it. I never asked. I just hoped I would be saved and expect someone to handle my reservoir for me. The only person I know who could do that is Jesus or God, same thing. No matter what you believe in, find me another figure who will be there 24/7 to help you pick up the pieces without thinking about themselves. If you know someone, let them know they’re an angel.
Nowadays I’m trying to look at life from a more positive light. Using the reservoir of pain as a bath to relax in. Constructing the dam is where I built my strength. The flowing stream at the bottom of my dam is the trickle of tears from all my grief manifested into a great river full of love and abundance. Till it flows back to the ocean, you are welcome to flow in my river.
